Monday, March 26, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Amazing Years
There are anniversary dates
We wish we could ignore
But how can we not think about
The way things were before.
From the day you came into our lives
With your hair of brown and your eyes so blue
We knew the Lord had blessed us
And that blessing Jeff was you.
We got to have you with us
For thirty-two awesome years
You gave us many memories
That now bring us to tears.
We try very hard Jeff
To honor your memory
By smiling when we remember
The way it used to be.
You brought smiles to everyone
Your soul was gentle and kind
Not a day goes by
That you don’t come to mind.
April 4th, can’t possibly go by
Without shedding many tears
We love you still and want to say
Thank you Jeff for 32 amazing years.
Love you forever and a day.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Thought on starting my third year without Jeff
I am feeling rather as though my mind is a kaleidoscope. I look through the kaleidoscope – I see images of Jeff, the man I fell in love with, the man I married, the stepfather of my daughter, the life we shared. I rotate the kaleidoscope – I see images of the pain and sorrow that followed his death. I rotate it again – I see images of my daughter, when we were a family of three, as she has grown up during the last two years without her dad, as the wonderful and successful adult she has become despite being forever scarred by her dad's death. Another rotation – I see images of some of Jeff's friends who became my companions in grief and then my friends. Yet another rotation – I see images of my journey of grief, of hope and healing, of the slow rebuilding of my life, of the people I've met and the experiences I've had since Jeff's death, of my "new normal," of my commitment to embracing life all the more because I am keenly aware of just how fragile it is. Another turn of the kaleidoscope – I see images of my new life since this time last year.
I looked it up – the word "kaleidoscope" is derived from three Greek words meaning "beauty," "shape" and "instrument for examination." And that seems oddly apt. Because through the kaleidoscope of my mind I am able to see, to examine if you will, the beauty of my life with Jeff as well as the beauty of my life as I have rebuilt it; I see the people and events that have shaped my life and continue to shape it. The kaleidoscope reflects the patterns of my past and my present. It hints as to the possibilities of the future. The images tumble and combine to form the ever-changing patterns of my life.
For me, the anniversary of Jeff's death will never be a "normal" day. I think the experience of his death imprinted itself so deeply in my mind and my being that each year the awareness of the approaching anniversary flows through me unbidden, bringing the past back into sharper focus.
And yet, unlike the first year when I determinedly set the day apart and tried not to allow the reality of the present to intrude, there is a certain balancing of past and present that now comes with each anniversary. It is part of those ever-changing patterns in my kaleidoscope. This year I found myself alternating between, on the one hand, images of Jeff and memories of the past I shared with him and, on the other hand, how I live my life in the present, between the sorrows that will never fully subside and the joys of living. And that's okay – that's part of this journey, part of the ebb and flow of life. In these days which lead up to the anniversary and on the anniversary itself, I gave myself the quiet time I needed to reflect, I allowed myself certain rituals, I honored Jeff's memory. And around those times I will continue to live my life as it is now.
And so, as this second anniversary of Jeff's death approached, I found myself once again looking back at the man he was, at the life we had, at the love we shared. Yes, there is a sense of sadness and melancholy. But there is also a strong sense of gratitude, gratitude that he was part of my life, gratitude that he loved me and that I loved him, gratitude for the lessons I learned from him while he lived and in the aftermath of his death. I know that I will always love him, that I will always remember him, that he will always be part of me. I know that the life and love we shared will always be part of the kaleidoscope of my mind, part of the patterns of my life.
I looked it up – the word "kaleidoscope" is derived from three Greek words meaning "beauty," "shape" and "instrument for examination." And that seems oddly apt. Because through the kaleidoscope of my mind I am able to see, to examine if you will, the beauty of my life with Jeff as well as the beauty of my life as I have rebuilt it; I see the people and events that have shaped my life and continue to shape it. The kaleidoscope reflects the patterns of my past and my present. It hints as to the possibilities of the future. The images tumble and combine to form the ever-changing patterns of my life.
For me, the anniversary of Jeff's death will never be a "normal" day. I think the experience of his death imprinted itself so deeply in my mind and my being that each year the awareness of the approaching anniversary flows through me unbidden, bringing the past back into sharper focus.
And yet, unlike the first year when I determinedly set the day apart and tried not to allow the reality of the present to intrude, there is a certain balancing of past and present that now comes with each anniversary. It is part of those ever-changing patterns in my kaleidoscope. This year I found myself alternating between, on the one hand, images of Jeff and memories of the past I shared with him and, on the other hand, how I live my life in the present, between the sorrows that will never fully subside and the joys of living. And that's okay – that's part of this journey, part of the ebb and flow of life. In these days which lead up to the anniversary and on the anniversary itself, I gave myself the quiet time I needed to reflect, I allowed myself certain rituals, I honored Jeff's memory. And around those times I will continue to live my life as it is now.
And so, as this second anniversary of Jeff's death approached, I found myself once again looking back at the man he was, at the life we had, at the love we shared. Yes, there is a sense of sadness and melancholy. But there is also a strong sense of gratitude, gratitude that he was part of my life, gratitude that he loved me and that I loved him, gratitude for the lessons I learned from him while he lived and in the aftermath of his death. I know that I will always love him, that I will always remember him, that he will always be part of me. I know that the life and love we shared will always be part of the kaleidoscope of my mind, part of the patterns of my life.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Coming up on almost two years ...
Martial words reflect illusory mind-set against illness
Finally, this morning, enough -- I read one too many journalistic references to someone's "beating" cancer, as if cancer was an opponent to be defeated, an enemy to be conquered, a battle in which courage often wins the day.
It is a lie. Cancer is to be endured, that's all. The best you can hope for is to fend it off, like a savage dog, but cancer isn't defeated, it only retreats, is held at bay, retires, bides its time, changes form, regroups. It may well be that the boy who survives an early cancer lives a long and lovely life, without ever enduring that species of illness again, but the snarl of it never leaves his heart, and you'll never hear that boy say he defeated the dark force in his bones.
Use real words. Real words matter. False words are lies. Lies sooner or later are crimes against the body or the soul. I know men, women and children who have cancer, had cancer, died from cancer, lived after their cancer retreated, and not one of them ever used military or sporting metaphors that I remember.
All of them spoke of endurance, survival, the mad insistence of hope, the irrepressibility of grace, the love and affection and laughter and holy hands of their families and friends and churches and clans and tribes. All of them were utterly lacking in any sort of cockiness or arrogance; all of them developed a worn, ashen look born of pain and patience; and all of them spoke not of winning but of waiting.
A great and awful lesson is contained there, it seems to me, something that speaks powerfully of human character and possibility. For all that we speak, as a culture and a people, of victory and defeat, of good and evil, of hero and coward, none of it is quite true. The truth is that the greatest victory is to endure with grace and humor, to stay in the game, to achieve humility.
I know a young man with brain cancer. He's 16 years old. He isn't battling his cancer. He is enduring it with the most energy and creativity and patience he can muster. He says the first year he had cancer was awful because of the fear and vomiting and surgery and radiation and chemotherapy and utter exhaustion. But he says that first year was also wonderful because he learned to savor every moment of his days. He met amazing people he would never have met, and his family and friends rallied behind him with ferocious, relentless humor. He learned he was a deeper and stronger and more inventive and more patient soul than he had ever imagined.
He also learned about fear, he says, because he was terrified, and remains so, but he learned that he can sometimes channel his fear and turn it into the energy he needs to raise money for cancer research. Since being diagnosed with cancer, he has helped raise nearly $100,000, which is remarkable.
I met a tiny, frail nun once, while walking along a harbor, and we got to talking. She said no one defeats cancer; cancer is a dance partner you don't want and don't like, but you have to dance, and either you die or the cancer fades back into the darkness at the other end of the ballroom. I never forgot what she said, and think she is right, and the words we use about cancers and wars matter more than we know.
Maybe if we celebrate grace under duress rather than the illusion of total victory we will be less surprised and more prepared when illness and evil lurch into our lives, as they always will; and maybe we will be a braver and better people if we know we cannot obliterate such things, but only wield oceans of humor and patience and creativity against them.
We have an untold supply of those extraordinary weapons, don't you think?
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Easter Sunday was one year since Jeff passed away. It seems like it has been an eternity - not just 365 days.
I started the day by going to Mass at 8AM - picking up my mother for a day out. We headed towards Tampa and stopped at my younger brother's cemetery plot. He was killed on his motorcycle in '88 at the age of 27 (not his fault). Then we went for lunch on the Gulf - live music, good food and spent the afternoon watching the alligators swimming around the marsh. Thank goodness we were elevated on a deck.
I must confess that I kept my eyes on the clock - being Jeff passed away at 3:05PM. When the clock hands showed it was 3:05 ... I looked around the restaurant and nothing had changed. All the people were still talking, laughing, eating and the music was still blaring. I know Jeff was happy we were out and about and not just sitting at home. He wants me to go on with my life as I would with him if the tables were turned.
Only God knows what the future holds but I know I am a survivor.
I started the day by going to Mass at 8AM - picking up my mother for a day out. We headed towards Tampa and stopped at my younger brother's cemetery plot. He was killed on his motorcycle in '88 at the age of 27 (not his fault). Then we went for lunch on the Gulf - live music, good food and spent the afternoon watching the alligators swimming around the marsh. Thank goodness we were elevated on a deck.
I must confess that I kept my eyes on the clock - being Jeff passed away at 3:05PM. When the clock hands showed it was 3:05 ... I looked around the restaurant and nothing had changed. All the people were still talking, laughing, eating and the music was still blaring. I know Jeff was happy we were out and about and not just sitting at home. He wants me to go on with my life as I would with him if the tables were turned.
Only God knows what the future holds but I know I am a survivor.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Christmas 2009
I wanted to share this video with all my friends and family that gave us so much support as we fought Jeff's cancer this past year. Merry Christmas and a very healthy and happy New Year.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
This last entry is the hardest ever
On Thursday April 2 Jeff was rushed to Oak Hill Hospital with what ended up as an abdominal aneurysm that had burst. Normally people don't even make it to be hospital and die shortly after it happens.
Around 3AM on Friday the vascular surgeon reviewed the CT scan and gave him a 30% chance of survival if they did perform the surgery - and not only would he have to be intibated (breathing machine) but he would have to be put on dialysis because of kidney failure. This was because the aneurysm was located right below the kidneys and they would have to shut off the blood supply to correct the aneurysm. The big word was IF he survived. The surgeon said he would also be in terrible pain as well. He also said that if he did survive the surgery (followed by added dialysis) he would still have to deal with the brain tumor.
He said this was 'MAJOR MAJOR' surgery but the outcome did not look promising.
The other alternative was to make him "pain free" and comfortable and he recommended that. He said he has less than 24 hours. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make but elected to let him die peacefully without any pain.
Right after the decision was made - they gave him some great pain Rx and I asked him how he was feeling. He said he had no pain but he also had no feeling in his legs from his toes to the pelvic area. The doctors said that was very normal and to expect more of those symptoms.
Around 6AM I asked the nurse to call in the local Catholic Priest. He arrived around 6:30AM and started the "last rites". When Jeff saw him he just looked from me to him and back again and then made the sign of the cross. I truly think he knew it was the end.
After the Priest left I told him that when he gets up in Heaven to please pray for us poor souls left here on earth and his response was "not now" and smiled. I then apologized for losing my temper and getting angry over the past year and it wasn't directed at him but at the situation we found ourselves in. His response to that was to take his finger and thump my nose. So he hadn't lost his sense of humor even to the end.
I came home to shower, etc. and was right back up there mid morning. Around 5PM I left for home - my eyes were burning from no sleep. Don't know why I did that because I never did get any sleep. Called the hospital around 10PM and the informed me they had moved him to the second floor - had a couch set up with pillows, blankets and sheets and I could stay the night. I rushed back around 11PM to spend the night.
He had a male nurse (Eric) who entered the room and asked if we were people of faith and I told him yes. He then asked if he could pray with us. I've never seen this happen before but Eric knelt down at the foot of the bed and prayed. I do know he came back into the room to put another blanket on me and I finally slept until 6AM.
The vascular surgeon appeared Saturday morning and said he was surprised to see we were still there and reiterated that he would not be seeing us on Sunday. He was right -Jeff took his last breath at 2:40PM and his heart did not stop beating until 3:05PM.
I thank God I was able to be with him when he took his last breath - and he was at peace.
This past year has been the hardest journey I have ever been on and I'm sure Jeff felt the same way. A few weeks ago he said "Cheryl, this is so tragic that it's hard not to cry". I know he felt like crying at times - but he never did (at least not in front of me).
Thank you all for your prayers, encouraging words, e-mails, Masses, cards, flowers, food, ,etc. It means more than I can ever say.
His journey has just started and as Fr. Bernie said - what a glorious time for Jeff to be in Heaven.
Around 3AM on Friday the vascular surgeon reviewed the CT scan and gave him a 30% chance of survival if they did perform the surgery - and not only would he have to be intibated (breathing machine) but he would have to be put on dialysis because of kidney failure. This was because the aneurysm was located right below the kidneys and they would have to shut off the blood supply to correct the aneurysm. The big word was IF he survived. The surgeon said he would also be in terrible pain as well. He also said that if he did survive the surgery (followed by added dialysis) he would still have to deal with the brain tumor.
He said this was 'MAJOR MAJOR' surgery but the outcome did not look promising.
The other alternative was to make him "pain free" and comfortable and he recommended that. He said he has less than 24 hours. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make but elected to let him die peacefully without any pain.
Right after the decision was made - they gave him some great pain Rx and I asked him how he was feeling. He said he had no pain but he also had no feeling in his legs from his toes to the pelvic area. The doctors said that was very normal and to expect more of those symptoms.
Around 6AM I asked the nurse to call in the local Catholic Priest. He arrived around 6:30AM and started the "last rites". When Jeff saw him he just looked from me to him and back again and then made the sign of the cross. I truly think he knew it was the end.
After the Priest left I told him that when he gets up in Heaven to please pray for us poor souls left here on earth and his response was "not now" and smiled. I then apologized for losing my temper and getting angry over the past year and it wasn't directed at him but at the situation we found ourselves in. His response to that was to take his finger and thump my nose. So he hadn't lost his sense of humor even to the end.
I came home to shower, etc. and was right back up there mid morning. Around 5PM I left for home - my eyes were burning from no sleep. Don't know why I did that because I never did get any sleep. Called the hospital around 10PM and the informed me they had moved him to the second floor - had a couch set up with pillows, blankets and sheets and I could stay the night. I rushed back around 11PM to spend the night.
He had a male nurse (Eric) who entered the room and asked if we were people of faith and I told him yes. He then asked if he could pray with us. I've never seen this happen before but Eric knelt down at the foot of the bed and prayed. I do know he came back into the room to put another blanket on me and I finally slept until 6AM.
The vascular surgeon appeared Saturday morning and said he was surprised to see we were still there and reiterated that he would not be seeing us on Sunday. He was right -Jeff took his last breath at 2:40PM and his heart did not stop beating until 3:05PM.
I thank God I was able to be with him when he took his last breath - and he was at peace.
This past year has been the hardest journey I have ever been on and I'm sure Jeff felt the same way. A few weeks ago he said "Cheryl, this is so tragic that it's hard not to cry". I know he felt like crying at times - but he never did (at least not in front of me).
Thank you all for your prayers, encouraging words, e-mails, Masses, cards, flowers, food, ,etc. It means more than I can ever say.
His journey has just started and as Fr. Bernie said - what a glorious time for Jeff to be in Heaven.
Monday, March 30, 2009
I don't think this is a good sign
When Jeff first showed symptoms of the tumor his left eye would not move past center - to the outside. After the tumor disappeared in November his eye had full lateral movement. Today I noticed when he was looking at me his good eye (right) was focused dead straight at me - but his left eye was way to the right side (by his tear duct). I'm certainly concerned about that because this is what happened last year - but now it seems to be worse.
I am thankful he has an appointment with the eye surgeon on Thursday afternoon. She wanted him to come in to check the eye that had the cataract.
Please pray that this is not what I think it is (return of the tumor). He has been complaining about eye pain - and I had attributed it to nerve regeneration. I think my theory has been blown out of the water.
I am thankful he has an appointment with the eye surgeon on Thursday afternoon. She wanted him to come in to check the eye that had the cataract.
Please pray that this is not what I think it is (return of the tumor). He has been complaining about eye pain - and I had attributed it to nerve regeneration. I think my theory has been blown out of the water.
Productive Monday
We had quite a rain storm on Saturday evening accompanied by lightening and thunder. We must have had a ton of pollen in the air because on Sunday the deck was all stained yellow. Even hosing it off didn't remove the stain. Today, while Jeff was resting, I pressure washed the deck after applying pool chlorine. Thank goodness all the stain was removed. I also used the opportunity to wash off all the lawn furniture. Chore completed.
Jeff had a restful weekend - but still was plagued with pain. Fortunately he has no chemo this week so he can regain some strength before starting again the following week. I did ask him today how he was and his only comment was he felt "down". That is so sad - I wish I could encourage him to feel positive. When you are DOWN to nothing... God is UP to something! Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible!
Have a great Monday.
Jeff had a restful weekend - but still was plagued with pain. Fortunately he has no chemo this week so he can regain some strength before starting again the following week. I did ask him today how he was and his only comment was he felt "down". That is so sad - I wish I could encourage him to feel positive. When you are DOWN to nothing... God is UP to something! Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible!
Have a great Monday.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
A calm Friday and Saturday
Last night Jeff decided that he would try sleeping in our king size bed instead of his usual couch. He discovered it was much more comfortable and he got a pretty good night's sleep considering he must have gotten up in the middle night and moved to another bedroom. At least he was in a bed and not on that couch.
Good news yesterday - he actually ate 3 teaspoons of cream of wheat and also a fork full of my dinner salad. I'm sure you are saying to yourself "what a combination". At least he was willing to eat something. Now I call that progress.
His pain level must really be down because he's not asking for pain Rx. His balance and speech is so much better when he's not taking the hydrocodine. I'm thankful for that.
So all in all - the past two days have been a welcomed change and I'll take that whenever God wishes to give it to me.
Have a great weekend.
Good news yesterday - he actually ate 3 teaspoons of cream of wheat and also a fork full of my dinner salad. I'm sure you are saying to yourself "what a combination". At least he was willing to eat something. Now I call that progress.
His pain level must really be down because he's not asking for pain Rx. His balance and speech is so much better when he's not taking the hydrocodine. I'm thankful for that.
So all in all - the past two days have been a welcomed change and I'll take that whenever God wishes to give it to me.
Have a great weekend.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
I guess my hearing is not too good .... let me explain
I took Jeff for his sixth chemo this afternoon and had three questions for his "Harley riding" Oncologist. I knew we weren't scheduled to see him - so I just hand a note to the nurse who administers the I.V. (Not that I don't slip into his office on the way out for some light conversation). He's such a neat guy and great bedside manner with his patients.
Now to the hearing problem I must have ..... this was NOT his last chemo. When Dr. H had originally told me 6 treatments it was really 6 (3 session) treatments = 18. Every fourth Thursday he has that off. So in reality Jeff has only had 6 treatments - next week off - and then another 3 treatments - the following week off, on and on until he has completed a total of 18. Then a PET scan will be scheduled. Duh! So we have a way to go before the dreaded PET.
Also he has a urinary tract infection - so will pick up a Rx for that. Thank goodness for Medicare and his supplement Rx insurance.
That's the update ...... I just hope I can keep all of this straight because not only my hearing must be getting bad but I've heard the memory loss follows....
Have a great evening!
Now to the hearing problem I must have ..... this was NOT his last chemo. When Dr. H had originally told me 6 treatments it was really 6 (3 session) treatments = 18. Every fourth Thursday he has that off. So in reality Jeff has only had 6 treatments - next week off - and then another 3 treatments - the following week off, on and on until he has completed a total of 18. Then a PET scan will be scheduled. Duh! So we have a way to go before the dreaded PET.
Also he has a urinary tract infection - so will pick up a Rx for that. Thank goodness for Medicare and his supplement Rx insurance.
That's the update ...... I just hope I can keep all of this straight because not only my hearing must be getting bad but I've heard the memory loss follows....
Have a great evening!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Wacky Wednesday
I THINK I accomplished quite a bit today. Not only did the speech therapist arrive to work on Jeff's facial muscles but my screen men showed up. I had to have three screen panels replaced as well as hardware on the man-door. The screening and spline only last about 10 years and you can see where the spline is shrinking. They gave me a good tip - if a hurricane is headed our way I should slash all the screens - which would save the cage. Replacing a cage would cost around $9K versus replacing all the screens at $900. I never thought of that.
After that was all completed I had to take Jeff's van in for an oil change along with having the new tire put on. Thank goodness there were no customers so it only took about 45 minutes to accomplish those two chores.
Tomorrow is Jeff's last chemo in this series - then we will schedule the PET scan. He's plugging along - but last night he was very confused. That always worries me when I'm trying to fall asleep. To be on the safe side I've taken the car keys out of the ignitions. That would be my luck - if he got in the car thinking he could drive and then end up in an accident. I don't need that on my plate as well.
My mother should be moving to the new assisted living facility shortly. There was a big open house reception last night - but with the van just having the temporary tire I couldn't risk driving up to get her and then drive her back. The mechanic said I should not drive far with that tire. I know she was disappointed - but it was not in the cards. Hopefully they will have more open house receptions (complete with a band) after she moves in so she can see what she missed out on.
Have a great Wednesday evening....
After that was all completed I had to take Jeff's van in for an oil change along with having the new tire put on. Thank goodness there were no customers so it only took about 45 minutes to accomplish those two chores.
Tomorrow is Jeff's last chemo in this series - then we will schedule the PET scan. He's plugging along - but last night he was very confused. That always worries me when I'm trying to fall asleep. To be on the safe side I've taken the car keys out of the ignitions. That would be my luck - if he got in the car thinking he could drive and then end up in an accident. I don't need that on my plate as well.
My mother should be moving to the new assisted living facility shortly. There was a big open house reception last night - but with the van just having the temporary tire I couldn't risk driving up to get her and then drive her back. The mechanic said I should not drive far with that tire. I know she was disappointed - but it was not in the cards. Hopefully they will have more open house receptions (complete with a band) after she moves in so she can see what she missed out on.
Have a great Wednesday evening....
Monday, March 23, 2009
When it rains it pours - addition to post earlier today
All went well with the early appointment my mother had with the new nurse. On the way back I took her over to the senior community center to visit with all her old friends prior to dropping her off at Cedar Creek. After dropping her back - I turned around in the parking lot and apparently hit the cement curb - tearing the back tire of the van. Thank goodness there is a foreign auto repair right on the corner - so walked over there and they had me drive the car over. They changed the tire and on the way home I stopped by the place where I get the oil changed and the tires rotated. Al - the owner is ordering me a new tire and it should be in by Wed. It is time for an oil change so will use that opportunity to do both at the same time. I just wasn't planning on paying an additional $165 on Wednesday.
Oh well - it was my stupid mistake - not judging the distance to the curb. Better believe I will back out of that parking lot in the future.
Oh well - it was my stupid mistake - not judging the distance to the curb. Better believe I will back out of that parking lot in the future.
Survived another Sunday night
Thank goodness it's Monday. Last night was no picnic! I truly believe Jeff has his days and nights mixed up. As I had posted in the past - for three days after chemo his sense of time, etc. is on target and this I believe is from the steroid that is mixed with his chemo drug that he gets on Thursday. When that wears off we are back to confusion and roaming all night.
He slept most of the day on Sunday only to be up pretty much all evening. I woke up around 4AM to see all the lights and TV on with him walking around without his walker. I think I found the walker outside on the lanai. Not using the walker poises a real danger because we have all tile floors and one fall could result in broken bones. I got him situated so I could go back to sleep only to hear him up again five minutes later. Around 5AM I decided that I might as well get up and start my day. If only I could find a way to keep him awake during the day so he'd sleep at night. That's next to impossible unless I put him in the car and drive him around during daylight.
The nurse at my mother's new assisted living facility called last week and wants to meet with her this morning to go over her medical needs prior to her move there. The move is getting closer and as soon as they receive their state occupational license they will be allowing everyone to move in. Hopeful this will take place the first of April. That will also depend on the availability of the movers.
Jeff's cataract surgery has been successful as far as I can tell. It's really strange not seeing him wear glasses. The only downside to the surgery is all the eye drops that are required for two weeks after. At least we have five days under our belt so we can see an end to this chore in the not too distant future.
This week should be an easy one - with only three days of facial stimulation by the speech therapist and chemo on Thursday. This is last one (of this series) and then we will schedule the PET scan to see where we are. Hopefully, with all your prayers, it will show that the new chemo drug is doing its job. Unfortunately I think that the radiation he received last summer did a number on his memory and response time. I hope I am wrong on that front and the chemo he is receiving is causing this because then it would be temporary. That's a question I will ask the Oncologist on Thursday.
He slept most of the day on Sunday only to be up pretty much all evening. I woke up around 4AM to see all the lights and TV on with him walking around without his walker. I think I found the walker outside on the lanai. Not using the walker poises a real danger because we have all tile floors and one fall could result in broken bones. I got him situated so I could go back to sleep only to hear him up again five minutes later. Around 5AM I decided that I might as well get up and start my day. If only I could find a way to keep him awake during the day so he'd sleep at night. That's next to impossible unless I put him in the car and drive him around during daylight.
The nurse at my mother's new assisted living facility called last week and wants to meet with her this morning to go over her medical needs prior to her move there. The move is getting closer and as soon as they receive their state occupational license they will be allowing everyone to move in. Hopeful this will take place the first of April. That will also depend on the availability of the movers.
Jeff's cataract surgery has been successful as far as I can tell. It's really strange not seeing him wear glasses. The only downside to the surgery is all the eye drops that are required for two weeks after. At least we have five days under our belt so we can see an end to this chore in the not too distant future.
This week should be an easy one - with only three days of facial stimulation by the speech therapist and chemo on Thursday. This is last one (of this series) and then we will schedule the PET scan to see where we are. Hopefully, with all your prayers, it will show that the new chemo drug is doing its job. Unfortunately I think that the radiation he received last summer did a number on his memory and response time. I hope I am wrong on that front and the chemo he is receiving is causing this because then it would be temporary. That's a question I will ask the Oncologist on Thursday.
Friday, March 20, 2009
TGIF
What a whirlwind this week. Yesterday we had an appointment with the eye surgeon. Great news on his cataract removal - they had him read the eye chart and he could read all the lines except the very last line (the smallest print). She said his vision is now 20/30, which is great for the day after surgery. Most likely within the next two weeks it should get to 20/20. He will need glasses for reading. It's so strange not to see him with his glasses on.
She also said she is going to wait until his right eye is completely healed before taking off the other cataract.
After that appointment he went for his chemo. He has one more treatment next week and then the PET scan.
Now I can look forward to 5 days with nothing on the calendar except a much needed haircut. Time to treat myself.
Have a great weekend everyone.
She also said she is going to wait until his right eye is completely healed before taking off the other cataract.
After that appointment he went for his chemo. He has one more treatment next week and then the PET scan.
Now I can look forward to 5 days with nothing on the calendar except a much needed haircut. Time to treat myself.
Have a great weekend everyone.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
He can see clearly now .......(song)
Today was very quick paced. We thought we had time to spare and then got a call from the outpatient surgery center. They had some cancellations and Dr. Linda Lepik was available to come in earlier. We were originally scheduled to be there at 11:45 but they changed arrival time to 10:15. We got a call at 8:45 and had to leave the house by 9:20 to drive the distance and arrive on time. Thank goodness I was pretty much ready - but getting Jeff's butt in high gear was hilarious.
The cataract removal only takes about 15 minutes - but you all know the before prep and the after procedure of apple juice/cookie consumption takes time. Needless to say he just had two sips of the apple juice.
While in the waiting room prior to the appointment I saw a woman walk out with a clear plastic guard over her eye and the rest of the people were walking about with a black guard over their eye. Hmmm - it would seem the clear plastic would be better as it has to be taped over his eye at night and just using his bad eye would be an invitation for disaster. I mentioned this to the nurse after I got back from Walmart - while Dr. L was still back with him. She went back and got the clear plastic and sure enough - he was wheeled out with it taped on his face.
He told me this afternoon that he can see better out of that right eye and to me it looks clearer. A follow-up appointment is scheduled tomorrow - 9:25 and then on to chemo at 2PM. If any of you want to reach me - I'll spend the 1.5 hours with my mother having "tea at 3". I think I'll even have a brownie ....
Have a great evening.
The cataract removal only takes about 15 minutes - but you all know the before prep and the after procedure of apple juice/cookie consumption takes time. Needless to say he just had two sips of the apple juice.
While in the waiting room prior to the appointment I saw a woman walk out with a clear plastic guard over her eye and the rest of the people were walking about with a black guard over their eye. Hmmm - it would seem the clear plastic would be better as it has to be taped over his eye at night and just using his bad eye would be an invitation for disaster. I mentioned this to the nurse after I got back from Walmart - while Dr. L was still back with him. She went back and got the clear plastic and sure enough - he was wheeled out with it taped on his face.
He told me this afternoon that he can see better out of that right eye and to me it looks clearer. A follow-up appointment is scheduled tomorrow - 9:25 and then on to chemo at 2PM. If any of you want to reach me - I'll spend the 1.5 hours with my mother having "tea at 3". I think I'll even have a brownie ....
Have a great evening.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Monday's reality
This morning reality set in AGAIN. After undergoing 16 chemo treatments - Jeff's hair is slowly starting to fall out. I know he hasn't noticed, which is a good thing. He was so happy that up to now he beat the odds of hair loss. In fact after his radiation treatments his hair came in real curly and was turning dark - the grey was disappearing. Now this! The good news is I have a nice straw hat he bought about ten years ago and never wore. It will come in handy now!
Got a call this morning from the visiting nurse. She's scheduled to stop in around 3PM to re-certify him with Medicare so he can continue to receive the facial stimulation therapy three times a week. Then off to see the eye surgeon at 6PM. She wanted to see him after all her patients left - so he wouldn't have to wait.
Decided to give him a morphine yesterday afternoon. I thought it would be safe because he had been off of them since he was admitted to the hospital about a month ago. Wrong idea .... he just can't handle those. He was back to being very confused, had difficulty walking and in general not doing well at all. He's now back on the Hydrocodone and he tolerates that pretty well.
After Jeff's eye appointment I think I'll treat myself and stop by McDonalds for a hamburger. I'm selfish and don't feel like making dinner in the middle of the night. It always takes about 1-2 hours when he has an eye appointment and it takes another 45 minutes to drive home.
Have a great Monday everyone!
Got a call this morning from the visiting nurse. She's scheduled to stop in around 3PM to re-certify him with Medicare so he can continue to receive the facial stimulation therapy three times a week. Then off to see the eye surgeon at 6PM. She wanted to see him after all her patients left - so he wouldn't have to wait.
Decided to give him a morphine yesterday afternoon. I thought it would be safe because he had been off of them since he was admitted to the hospital about a month ago. Wrong idea .... he just can't handle those. He was back to being very confused, had difficulty walking and in general not doing well at all. He's now back on the Hydrocodone and he tolerates that pretty well.
After Jeff's eye appointment I think I'll treat myself and stop by McDonalds for a hamburger. I'm selfish and don't feel like making dinner in the middle of the night. It always takes about 1-2 hours when he has an eye appointment and it takes another 45 minutes to drive home.
Have a great Monday everyone!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Wonderful Surprise - Sunday
I woke up to a wonderful e-mail this morning. It said I should look by my front door.... Needless to say I immediately found a gift from a dear friend of ours. A beautiful card and a book entitled "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch. I can't wait to start reading it. He was a Professor of Computer Science, Human Computer Interaction, and Design at Carnegie Mellon University.
Professors are asked to consider their demise and to ruminate on what matters most to them. What wisdom would they impart to the world if we knew it was our last chance? If we had to vanish tomorrow, what would we want as our legacy?
He had been diagnosed with terminal cancer prior to giving his last lecture and his lecture was about the importance of overcoming obstacles, of enabling the dreams of others, of seizing every moment (because "time is all you have .... and you may find one day that you have less than you think." He said "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." Isn't that the truth.
Have a great Sunday!
Professors are asked to consider their demise and to ruminate on what matters most to them. What wisdom would they impart to the world if we knew it was our last chance? If we had to vanish tomorrow, what would we want as our legacy?
He had been diagnosed with terminal cancer prior to giving his last lecture and his lecture was about the importance of overcoming obstacles, of enabling the dreams of others, of seizing every moment (because "time is all you have .... and you may find one day that you have less than you think." He said "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." Isn't that the truth.
Have a great Sunday!
Friday, March 13, 2009
What a day yesterday
Let me back up .... on Wednesday we saw Dr. Linda (the gal that is going to do the cataract procedure). She had an ultrasound done on Jeff's good eye ..... dilated his eyes, yada yada yada. On the way home he started feeling pain in that eye. It was pretty severe and I didn't know if I should take him to the hospital. Instead I called Dr. Linda's cell phone and of course no answer.
Thursday morning I got him up early - showered, shaved, etc. Drove the 30 miles south to see Dr. Linda (without an appointment). Luckily I saw her in the hall and had a chance to talk to her. For some odd reason her phone did not register that I had called. The waiting room was packed and I was concerned we'd have to wait. This was not an option because he had chemo scheduled at 2PM - about 48 miles north. She took him in immediately (no waiting). I truly believe there is a God ...
Long story short = his eye had dried out from the ultrasound. She numbed it - checked it out and thankfully there was no infection. She gave me an antibiotic and drops to be on the safe side. Got him home to rest before chemo.
Off to chemo and left papers for his Oncologist to stamp his approval for the procedure (which he did sign). He also gave me a Rx for the Thrush infection in his throat as well as a pain Rx.
Dashed off the health food store for mother --- took up her purchase to the assisted living facility, fixed her computer and had time for a cup of tea and then back to pick up Jeff. Dropped off the Rx on the way home - fed him and then back to pick up the prescriptions and do a little grocery shopping. By the time I got home it was 5:30PM - only to find out that the pain Rx the doc had given me was the same pain Rx that landed him in the hospital a few weeks ago (Morphine). If any of you need any morphine - just let me know. I'm sure as not going to give him that stuff again.
This morning we are back at Dr. Linda's so she can just check his eye. The cataract procedure is scheduled for Wed. afternoon. For two weeks after the removal he needs 4 different eye drops in his eye every 2 hours. I guess he will be joined at my hip. Also he has to wear a patch on that eye at night - so if he gets up in the night he will be navigating with his bad eye. This should be a real challenge and I'm anxious to see how that goes. I guess I will be sleeping on the other couch adjacent to where he sleeps so I can help him. So if I'm venting the next two weeks you'll know it's from a lack of sleep.
All in all I think it will be just fine and in the end hopefully he will see a big improvement.
And the beat goes on ......
Have a great weekend everyone!
Thursday morning I got him up early - showered, shaved, etc. Drove the 30 miles south to see Dr. Linda (without an appointment). Luckily I saw her in the hall and had a chance to talk to her. For some odd reason her phone did not register that I had called. The waiting room was packed and I was concerned we'd have to wait. This was not an option because he had chemo scheduled at 2PM - about 48 miles north. She took him in immediately (no waiting). I truly believe there is a God ...
Long story short = his eye had dried out from the ultrasound. She numbed it - checked it out and thankfully there was no infection. She gave me an antibiotic and drops to be on the safe side. Got him home to rest before chemo.
Off to chemo and left papers for his Oncologist to stamp his approval for the procedure (which he did sign). He also gave me a Rx for the Thrush infection in his throat as well as a pain Rx.
Dashed off the health food store for mother --- took up her purchase to the assisted living facility, fixed her computer and had time for a cup of tea and then back to pick up Jeff. Dropped off the Rx on the way home - fed him and then back to pick up the prescriptions and do a little grocery shopping. By the time I got home it was 5:30PM - only to find out that the pain Rx the doc had given me was the same pain Rx that landed him in the hospital a few weeks ago (Morphine). If any of you need any morphine - just let me know. I'm sure as not going to give him that stuff again.
This morning we are back at Dr. Linda's so she can just check his eye. The cataract procedure is scheduled for Wed. afternoon. For two weeks after the removal he needs 4 different eye drops in his eye every 2 hours. I guess he will be joined at my hip. Also he has to wear a patch on that eye at night - so if he gets up in the night he will be navigating with his bad eye. This should be a real challenge and I'm anxious to see how that goes. I guess I will be sleeping on the other couch adjacent to where he sleeps so I can help him. So if I'm venting the next two weeks you'll know it's from a lack of sleep.
All in all I think it will be just fine and in the end hopefully he will see a big improvement.
And the beat goes on ......
Have a great weekend everyone!
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