Sunday, December 13, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Around 3AM on Friday the vascular surgeon reviewed the CT scan and gave him a 30% chance of survival if they did perform the surgery - and not only would he have to be intibated (breathing machine) but he would have to be put on dialysis because of kidney failure. This was because the aneurysm was located right below the kidneys and they would have to shut off the blood supply to correct the aneurysm. The big word was IF he survived. The surgeon said he would also be in terrible pain as well. He also said that if he did survive the surgery (followed by added dialysis) he would still have to deal with the brain tumor.
He said this was 'MAJOR MAJOR' surgery but the outcome did not look promising.
The other alternative was to make him "pain free" and comfortable and he recommended that. He said he has less than 24 hours. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make but elected to let him die peacefully without any pain.
Right after the decision was made - they gave him some great pain Rx and I asked him how he was feeling. He said he had no pain but he also had no feeling in his legs from his toes to the pelvic area. The doctors said that was very normal and to expect more of those symptoms.
Around 6AM I asked the nurse to call in the local Catholic Priest. He arrived around 6:30AM and started the "last rites". When Jeff saw him he just looked from me to him and back again and then made the sign of the cross. I truly think he knew it was the end.
After the Priest left I told him that when he gets up in Heaven to please pray for us poor souls left here on earth and his response was "not now" and smiled. I then apologized for losing my temper and getting angry over the past year and it wasn't directed at him but at the situation we found ourselves in. His response to that was to take his finger and thump my nose. So he hadn't lost his sense of humor even to the end.
I came home to shower, etc. and was right back up there mid morning. Around 5PM I left for home - my eyes were burning from no sleep. Don't know why I did that because I never did get any sleep. Called the hospital around 10PM and the informed me they had moved him to the second floor - had a couch set up with pillows, blankets and sheets and I could stay the night. I rushed back around 11PM to spend the night.
He had a male nurse (Eric) who entered the room and asked if we were people of faith and I told him yes. He then asked if he could pray with us. I've never seen this happen before but Eric knelt down at the foot of the bed and prayed. I do know he came back into the room to put another blanket on me and I finally slept until 6AM.
The vascular surgeon appeared Saturday morning and said he was surprised to see we were still there and reiterated that he would not be seeing us on Sunday. He was right -Jeff took his last breath at 2:40PM and his heart did not stop beating until 3:05PM.
I thank God I was able to be with him when he took his last breath - and he was at peace.
This past year has been the hardest journey I have ever been on and I'm sure Jeff felt the same way. A few weeks ago he said "Cheryl, this is so tragic that it's hard not to cry". I know he felt like crying at times - but he never did (at least not in front of me).
Thank you all for your prayers, encouraging words, e-mails, Masses, cards, flowers, food, ,etc. It means more than I can ever say.
His journey has just started and as Fr. Bernie said - what a glorious time for Jeff to be in Heaven.
Monday, March 30, 2009
I am thankful he has an appointment with the eye surgeon on Thursday afternoon. She wanted him to come in to check the eye that had the cataract.
Please pray that this is not what I think it is (return of the tumor). He has been complaining about eye pain - and I had attributed it to nerve regeneration. I think my theory has been blown out of the water.
Jeff had a restful weekend - but still was plagued with pain. Fortunately he has no chemo this week so he can regain some strength before starting again the following week. I did ask him today how he was and his only comment was he felt "down". That is so sad - I wish I could encourage him to feel positive. When you are DOWN to nothing... God is UP to something! Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible!
Have a great Monday.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Good news yesterday - he actually ate 3 teaspoons of cream of wheat and also a fork full of my dinner salad. I'm sure you are saying to yourself "what a combination". At least he was willing to eat something. Now I call that progress.
His pain level must really be down because he's not asking for pain Rx. His balance and speech is so much better when he's not taking the hydrocodine. I'm thankful for that.
So all in all - the past two days have been a welcomed change and I'll take that whenever God wishes to give it to me.
Have a great weekend.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Now to the hearing problem I must have ..... this was NOT his last chemo. When Dr. H had originally told me 6 treatments it was really 6 (3 session) treatments = 18. Every fourth Thursday he has that off. So in reality Jeff has only had 6 treatments - next week off - and then another 3 treatments - the following week off, on and on until he has completed a total of 18. Then a PET scan will be scheduled. Duh! So we have a way to go before the dreaded PET.
Also he has a urinary tract infection - so will pick up a Rx for that. Thank goodness for Medicare and his supplement Rx insurance.
That's the update ...... I just hope I can keep all of this straight because not only my hearing must be getting bad but I've heard the memory loss follows....
Have a great evening!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
After that was all completed I had to take Jeff's van in for an oil change along with having the new tire put on. Thank goodness there were no customers so it only took about 45 minutes to accomplish those two chores.
Tomorrow is Jeff's last chemo in this series - then we will schedule the PET scan. He's plugging along - but last night he was very confused. That always worries me when I'm trying to fall asleep. To be on the safe side I've taken the car keys out of the ignitions. That would be my luck - if he got in the car thinking he could drive and then end up in an accident. I don't need that on my plate as well.
My mother should be moving to the new assisted living facility shortly. There was a big open house reception last night - but with the van just having the temporary tire I couldn't risk driving up to get her and then drive her back. The mechanic said I should not drive far with that tire. I know she was disappointed - but it was not in the cards. Hopefully they will have more open house receptions (complete with a band) after she moves in so she can see what she missed out on.
Have a great Wednesday evening....
Monday, March 23, 2009
Oh well - it was my stupid mistake - not judging the distance to the curb. Better believe I will back out of that parking lot in the future.
He slept most of the day on Sunday only to be up pretty much all evening. I woke up around 4AM to see all the lights and TV on with him walking around without his walker. I think I found the walker outside on the lanai. Not using the walker poises a real danger because we have all tile floors and one fall could result in broken bones. I got him situated so I could go back to sleep only to hear him up again five minutes later. Around 5AM I decided that I might as well get up and start my day. If only I could find a way to keep him awake during the day so he'd sleep at night. That's next to impossible unless I put him in the car and drive him around during daylight.
The nurse at my mother's new assisted living facility called last week and wants to meet with her this morning to go over her medical needs prior to her move there. The move is getting closer and as soon as they receive their state occupational license they will be allowing everyone to move in. Hopeful this will take place the first of April. That will also depend on the availability of the movers.
Jeff's cataract surgery has been successful as far as I can tell. It's really strange not seeing him wear glasses. The only downside to the surgery is all the eye drops that are required for two weeks after. At least we have five days under our belt so we can see an end to this chore in the not too distant future.
This week should be an easy one - with only three days of facial stimulation by the speech therapist and chemo on Thursday. This is last one (of this series) and then we will schedule the PET scan to see where we are. Hopefully, with all your prayers, it will show that the new chemo drug is doing its job. Unfortunately I think that the radiation he received last summer did a number on his memory and response time. I hope I am wrong on that front and the chemo he is receiving is causing this because then it would be temporary. That's a question I will ask the Oncologist on Thursday.
Friday, March 20, 2009
She also said she is going to wait until his right eye is completely healed before taking off the other cataract.
After that appointment he went for his chemo. He has one more treatment next week and then the PET scan.
Now I can look forward to 5 days with nothing on the calendar except a much needed haircut. Time to treat myself.
Have a great weekend everyone.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
The cataract removal only takes about 15 minutes - but you all know the before prep and the after procedure of apple juice/cookie consumption takes time. Needless to say he just had two sips of the apple juice.
While in the waiting room prior to the appointment I saw a woman walk out with a clear plastic guard over her eye and the rest of the people were walking about with a black guard over their eye. Hmmm - it would seem the clear plastic would be better as it has to be taped over his eye at night and just using his bad eye would be an invitation for disaster. I mentioned this to the nurse after I got back from Walmart - while Dr. L was still back with him. She went back and got the clear plastic and sure enough - he was wheeled out with it taped on his face.
He told me this afternoon that he can see better out of that right eye and to me it looks clearer. A follow-up appointment is scheduled tomorrow - 9:25 and then on to chemo at 2PM. If any of you want to reach me - I'll spend the 1.5 hours with my mother having "tea at 3". I think I'll even have a brownie ....
Have a great evening.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Got a call this morning from the visiting nurse. She's scheduled to stop in around 3PM to re-certify him with Medicare so he can continue to receive the facial stimulation therapy three times a week. Then off to see the eye surgeon at 6PM. She wanted to see him after all her patients left - so he wouldn't have to wait.
Decided to give him a morphine yesterday afternoon. I thought it would be safe because he had been off of them since he was admitted to the hospital about a month ago. Wrong idea .... he just can't handle those. He was back to being very confused, had difficulty walking and in general not doing well at all. He's now back on the Hydrocodone and he tolerates that pretty well.
After Jeff's eye appointment I think I'll treat myself and stop by McDonalds for a hamburger. I'm selfish and don't feel like making dinner in the middle of the night. It always takes about 1-2 hours when he has an eye appointment and it takes another 45 minutes to drive home.
Have a great Monday everyone!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Professors are asked to consider their demise and to ruminate on what matters most to them. What wisdom would they impart to the world if we knew it was our last chance? If we had to vanish tomorrow, what would we want as our legacy?
He had been diagnosed with terminal cancer prior to giving his last lecture and his lecture was about the importance of overcoming obstacles, of enabling the dreams of others, of seizing every moment (because "time is all you have .... and you may find one day that you have less than you think." He said "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." Isn't that the truth.
Have a great Sunday!
Friday, March 13, 2009
Thursday morning I got him up early - showered, shaved, etc. Drove the 30 miles south to see Dr. Linda (without an appointment). Luckily I saw her in the hall and had a chance to talk to her. For some odd reason her phone did not register that I had called. The waiting room was packed and I was concerned we'd have to wait. This was not an option because he had chemo scheduled at 2PM - about 48 miles north. She took him in immediately (no waiting). I truly believe there is a God ...
Long story short = his eye had dried out from the ultrasound. She numbed it - checked it out and thankfully there was no infection. She gave me an antibiotic and drops to be on the safe side. Got him home to rest before chemo.
Off to chemo and left papers for his Oncologist to stamp his approval for the procedure (which he did sign). He also gave me a Rx for the Thrush infection in his throat as well as a pain Rx.
Dashed off the health food store for mother --- took up her purchase to the assisted living facility, fixed her computer and had time for a cup of tea and then back to pick up Jeff. Dropped off the Rx on the way home - fed him and then back to pick up the prescriptions and do a little grocery shopping. By the time I got home it was 5:30PM - only to find out that the pain Rx the doc had given me was the same pain Rx that landed him in the hospital a few weeks ago (Morphine). If any of you need any morphine - just let me know. I'm sure as not going to give him that stuff again.
This morning we are back at Dr. Linda's so she can just check his eye. The cataract procedure is scheduled for Wed. afternoon. For two weeks after the removal he needs 4 different eye drops in his eye every 2 hours. I guess he will be joined at my hip. Also he has to wear a patch on that eye at night - so if he gets up in the night he will be navigating with his bad eye. This should be a real challenge and I'm anxious to see how that goes. I guess I will be sleeping on the other couch adjacent to where he sleeps so I can help him. So if I'm venting the next two weeks you'll know it's from a lack of sleep.
All in all I think it will be just fine and in the end hopefully he will see a big improvement.
And the beat goes on ......
Have a great weekend everyone!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
What are the different stages of grief?
The person with cancer, spouses, parents, siblings and other family members will all experience grief. In general, grief has been described to occur in five stages. However, it is important to remember that people experiencing grief may move in and out of these stages in their own time and in their own way.
Denial is a stage where people try to believe that the cancer diagnosis is not happening to them or their family. One may feel numb or in a state of shock. Denial is a protective emotion when a life event is too overwhelming to deal with all at once.
Anger is a stage in which you understand the cancer diagnosis but are very upset and angry that it has happened to you, a friend or family member. One of the best ways of dealing with bursts of anger is to exercise or participate in another type of physical activity. Talking with family and friends, other people who have cancer and the hospital staff also may be helpful. The person with cancer also may be able to express his or her anger either verbally explaining how he or she feels by writing in a journal.
Questioning God, asking “Why me?” and “What did I do to deserve this?” are common questions in this stage. It is normal for the person with cancer to make bargains with themselves or God in hopes that bargaining will make the cancer diagnosis go away. Guilt is a primary emotion during this stage. Searching for something that you personally did, which could have contributed to the cancer, is all part of bargaining. People tell themselves or God that they promise not to do something they previously did (such as arguing with family members), or to start doing something they have not done (such as going to church regularly) in exchange for their recovery.
- Depression and sadness
This stage of grief is one in which the diagnosis of cancer can no longer be denied and those involved may feel a profound sense of sadness. These feelings are normal. This stage can be accompanied by physical changes such as trouble sleeping or excessive sleeping, changes in appetite, difficulty with concentrating on simple daily activities or feeling a constant fear that someone else in the family will be diagnosed with cancer. It is important to talk about depression with a health care professional such as a social worker, counselor or meet with a support group to help you cope with your feelings.
Acceptance is a stage in which you have accepted the cancer diagnosis and are at a point where cancer has been incorporated as part of your life. You have made an adjustment to your illness. Acceptance does not mean that you will never feel other emotions, but usually families find that they are better able to manage their lives overall upon reaching this stage. Going through the grieving process is the best way to cope with a cancer diagnosis. By giving yourself and your family permission to grieve, you will be able to cope.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
This morning he said he felt much better and I attribute that to not having chemo this week. Next week he will start back on chemo for the next three weeks (once a week) and then another PET scan. One good plus is that he has not lost any hair - and in fact it is growing so fast after just two weeks he needed another haircut. The only side effect I detect so far is a few little split fingernails which are filed down as soon as I see them.
Today will be spent pick up my mother to take her shopping at Walmart. Not the store I wanted to go to but I can always pick up what I need when I go out alone. She has been such a trooper - in that I can't get up to see her as much as I would like. She doesn't complain at all - one less thing for me to feel guilty about.
Have a great Sunday.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Not knowing what to expect the therapist asked if I wanted to come in - but I thought Jeff might feel more open to discuss whatever without me there. About 30 minutes later Patrick came out to get me and said Jeff was having difficulities hearing him.
It was interesting - we discussed ongoing pain causing depression, trying to eat via mouth, and for Jeff to stop mourning what he use to be and focus on where he is now. We'd all like to be what we were .... but find something redeeming at this particular moment. When Jeff left to visit the men's room, Patrick and I discussed anticipatory grief. While it may help the family, the very ill or dying person may experience too much grief, causing the patient to become withdrawn.
The sum and substance is he is going to talk to the radiation doctor about getting some pain management as well as a Rx for the thrush he still experiences in his throat. He also said we could set up another appointment - but the next two weeks we are concentrating on his cataract.
I think Jeff had trouble hearing him because he spoke in a higher pitch. Poor guy - on the way home he said he had hoped to get more out of the session. We also found out they have a Head/Neck cancer support group that meets the third Wednesday of every month. I'll suggest that in the future.
Lisa, the speech therapist, had to cancel again today. Her little son is still very sick. Hopefully she will be here tomorrow.
Have a great evening.....
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
So I called NPRichey diagnostic office and told them we'd drive down this afternoon to pick them up. That way I could get them in the mail to our attorney so he can send those to New York.
This morning we got an early start - went up to my mother's place to deliver her Rx that arrived via mail and also stopped to buy some plastic cups that go over the legs of her walker. Without them the walker is difficult to move smoothly.
Oh yes - between all the trips I was able to spray the bushes that are dying in our yard. The little sprayer I borrowed worked great. Another chore accomplished.
On the way to the post office to mail the PET scan CD's - got a call from Sunflower ALF so instead of trying to call them back I stopped in to see what they called for. She wanted a shower chair ordered for her new room - only to discover she had one that Medicare paid for back in 2001. Medicare only pays for medical equipment once. I also found out that it probably won't be until the middle of the month when she will be able to move. They are waiting for the State authorities to walk through and give their stamp of approval.
Have a great evening - I definitely will.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Today I will get the ball rolling for his cataract procedure. This will require one ultrasound test and an appointment with the eye surgeon. (Update - test will be a week from Wednesday 3/11 and on 3/18 - they will remove the cataract). He also has his weekly facial stimulation sessions on Wed/Thur/Fri.
Update on the bill from Citrus Memorial Hospital (Radiology Dept.) .... for $5.57. Well the bill was "sent out in error - please disregard it". Hmmm!
You'll get a kick out of this .... a few of our Silver Thorn bushes look like they are dying. Being new to the outdoor vegetation and all that entails I poured some chemical into the sprayer - added the required water and pumped up the sprayer. I was all set to start spraying the pesky insects that are killing the plants only to discover the sprayer does NOT work. What the heck! So today I will canvas the neighborhood to see if I can borrow some one's sprayer. (Update - a dear friend's husband has a sprayer - so that problem is solved). Nothing is easy. Like I said before chaos isn't a theory it's my life.
Have a good Monday everyone.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Having this cataract removed will hopefully help with his balance problems. Unfortunately at this time, they are leaving the left eye alone - because they need for the scar tissue on the cornea to heal. It's coming along - but has a way to go.
With the excess skin on the upper and lower lids - we will wait to have that done in the future. As I had mentioned - if they did that procedure now - they would still have to sew part of that closed to protect the cornea. Having that cataract removed will give him 20/20 vision in his right eye. He's all for it - so we will schedule the appointments next week when the office is open.
Now for the "upsetting news" ..... got in the mail a bill for $5.57 from of all places Citrus Memorial Hospital radiology department. What the heck!!!! Those are the same people that miss diagnosed him in the first place. Over my dead body am I paying that bill. So on Monday I will have a field day when I contact them regarding this. I know it's not a lot of money - but it's the principle of the thing. They can sing Dixie over this bill. Just thought of something funny - if they pursue this I will tell them I will pay pennies on the dollar.
Have a great weekend.
Friday, February 27, 2009
He told me yesterday that he hasn't stopped "fighting" and that was good to hear. He did tell me that he gets so "down" at times. I suggested he see the Psychiatrist at the Radiation Oncologists office and he has agreed. That is set for next Thursday. It's great that this facility offers this for their patients because most cancer patients go through a plethora of emotions. Needless to say I will have his hearing aids turned on to maximum.
Today is his third day of eating one container of Yogurt to hopefully clear up the Thrush infection he has in his throat. Hopefully we will see some headway in a week or two.
Have a great weekend.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Another mild stone today - Jeff had his first yogurt (vanilla). The speech therapist suggested he have at least one cup a day to see if the live culture will help in killing off the case of Thrush he has in his mouth and throat. It's so difficult to get rid of this type of yeast infection. A lot of people who have the inability to cough, swallow and mouth paralysis can get this.
Tomorrow is more speech and then chemo in the afternoon. I am definitely cornering the Oncologist to ask him about different pain Rx. What he got last week is just not doing the job. It's so hard to see him in pain. Short of being hooked up to an I.V. and being totally unconscious - there has to be a happy medium.
Good news though - I've had 3 nights of deep sleep. It's amazing how much better I feel after actually sleeping at night (not that I don't get up and check on him occasionally).
Have a wonderful evening.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
One thing for sure - because he's sleeping so much I can accomplish quite a bit around the house. Yesterday I fertilized the hedges and bushes (poor things - I couldn't do it last year). The birds are happy - their feeders are replenished every few days and the bird bath is scrubbed out as well.
My mother's move to the new assisted living facility as been put on the back burner. They are awaiting their occupancy license which can take anywhere from 2 weeks to 45 days. Hopefully the doctors who are in partnership have some clout to push along the powers to be in having it completed in two weeks. In the meantime I continue to take boxes over there - unpack the items and take back the empty boxes for refilling. Their ribbon cutting ceremony takes place at 4:30 this afternoon with a tour and refreshments. She wants to attend - but depending on how Jeff is today I can't predict if I will be able to pick her up for the ceremony.
Tomorrow is speech therapy and a visit to the eye doctor and on Thursday is speech in the morning and his 3rd chemo in the afternoon.
Chaos isn't a theory - it's my life.
Have a wonderful Tuesday.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Last night was another successful evening - got plenty of sleep and no roaming took place. Today he even had a small bite of cheese and a piece of pork roast. So for now everything is humming along just fine n Poppy Court.
Have a great weekend everyone.
Friday, February 20, 2009
While he was receiving his treatment I took the opportunity to take my mother over to see her new apartment in the Sunflower Assisted Living Facility. She just loves it - which made me happy. I also was able to take over a few more boxes that she had packed up. Hopefully when it's time to move permanently - most of the loose items will be already there and put away.
Then whisked her back and off to pick up Jeff. Had a one on one talk with the Oncologist and he agreed with me to change Jeff's pain Rx. He put him on Tramadol (non-narcotic). All I can say is it must have worked - no roaming in the middle of the night and as I type this he is still sleeping comfortably. As a result - I had a great night's sleep.
Today is non-eventful - speech therapist at 10AM and the pressure washing of the driveway/walkway. Hopefully I can sneak in a haircut this afternoon.
Have a great Friday.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Yesterday I decided to call the fellow that does our pressure washing of the lanai screen cage. After looking at our driveway/walkway - I realized that needed to be done. We usually tackled that chore - but it would take me a few days without Jeff's help. Patrick called me yesterday afternoon to schedule the job and asked me how I was doing. He knew about Jeff last summer when he was here to do the lanai job. Long story short - he lost his wife last year to breast/brain cancer. He spent quite a bit of time on the phone talking to me and even told me to call him whenever I needed to talk or needed information. It's nice to know there are caring people out there who are willing to go above and beyond.
Another observation I have made is there are very few people that want to hang around you when they know you have a seriously ill spouse. I am blessed with two wonderful couples that live next door and down the street from me who are always willing to help. They call/e-mail often - even make extra food for me. (Not that I need that).... It means a lot to me that they care. In the past I've heard the same thing from friends that have had a seriously ill spouse and I always thought how can that be...... now I am experiencing that as well. Maybe they are worried it might be contagious.
I also have some wonderful close friends and family that live further away that keep in touch via e-mail and phone. They are never in a hurry when I'm venting and always have great advice.
Enough of my ramblings ..... It will be a good day once we get organized around here. Have a great Thursday everyone.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Tuesday was a difficult day for Jeff in the pain area. I have totally taken him off the codeine. After last week's hospitalization for the build-up of this medication - it was best to not give it to him. He is now taking 1/2 dose of Hydrocodone - 5mg twice a day. I did hear him moaning at 2:30AM - so gave him another dose. On Thursday I will ask the doctor about putting him on a different pain Rx because I think he has built up a tolerance for the one he's been on for almost a full year.
This morning he seems to be much better and is actually more active (coming outside for a puff on his cigar and enjoying the beautiful song birds that have arrived.
Thursday is his second chemo (third go around) and I can expect increased activity for at least two days because of the steroid they put in the I.V. He's much more talkative and active. I cherish those two days because by the third day he's back to being quiet, sleeping quite a bit and lethargic. He will have one more chemo next week and then one week off followed by three more chemos and then another dreadful PET scan to see where we are. Hopefully this different chemo will penetrate those cells and destroy them.
Your continued prayers are greatly appreciated.